Using the right strategies to manage your child’s behaviour can make everyday routines much smoother and more enjoyable for everyone. Parent Management Training (PMT) is a proven, research-backed approach that helps parents encourage positive behaviours in kids aged 3 to 12. Whether you’re looking to make mornings smoother or calm down bedtime routines, the eight tips below (mainly based on PMT) offer practical strategies to guide your child’s behaviour while also supporting their emotional and social growth.
Tip 1. Label and Praise Appropriate Behaviour
Instead of focusing on what you don’t want your child to do, try highlighting and praising the behaviours you do want to see. Positive reinforcement is a key strategy in PMT because it encourages children to repeat desirable actions. The trick is to use specific, labelled praise. For example, instead of saying “Good job” when your child is not yelling, say, “I really like the way you’re using a calm voice.”
The more often you name and praise specific behaviours, the more likely your child will repeat them. Try to limit phrases like “Don’t…”, “No…”, or “Stop…” as these can lead to frustration. Focus instead on using positive instructions and reinforcing your child's strengths.
Tip 2. Give Brief and Direct Instructions
Keep your directions short and to the point. Use “effective commands” that are simple and clear, avoiding long explanations, as these can cause confusion and make it harder for your child to stay focused. For example, say exactly what you want them to do in a calm, firm tone, and make eye contact when speaking. Examples include:
“Put your shoes on, please” instead of "Can you please put your shoes on?"
“Look at me when I’m speaking” instead of "Let's look at me when I am speaking."
After giving instructions, pause to ensure your child processes what you said before adding more information. This approach helps them know exactly what’s expected without feeling overwhelmed.
Tip 3. Set Clear Expectations
Children respond well to clear and consistent expectations. Establish simple rules that are stated in a positive way, such as “Treat others with kindness and use polite language” instead of “Don’t be rude to others” or “Finish your chores before screen time.”
Stick to routines as much as possible to provide structure and predictability, which reduce anxiety and misbehaviour. If changes are necessary, give your child a heads-up with a quick “Just so you know, tomorrow we’ll be going to the dentist after school.”
Tip 4. Try Not to Yell
Yelling often escalates behaviours and makes it harder to manage the situation. If your child is yelling or upset, respond with a calm and firm voice. Model the calm behaviour you want to see. Take a deep breath, lower your tone, and state your expectations clearly. This approach helps reduce power struggles and teaches emotional regulation.
Tip 5. Be Consistent and Follow Through on What You Say
Being consistent is one of the most important strategies for effective parenting. In PMT, consistency is all about following through on what you say—whether it’s a promised reward for good behaviour — like earning extra screen time for finishing homework— or a consequence for not following the rules — like losing play time if chores aren’t done. When children know you mean what you say, it builds trust and helps them understand boundaries. However, be aware to avoid the "Big Consequence" trap.
It’s easy to promise big consequences in the heat of the moment when we’re feeling overwhelmed or frustrated. Statements like, “You’re grounded for a month!” might slip out, but they’re often unrealistic and hard to enforce. When we don’t stick to what we say, it sends mixed messages and can undermine our authority.
So, what can you do? If you’re feeling stressed and tempted to make a big statement, try taking a quick break before responding. Use that moment to ensure you’re thinking with your “rational brain” instead of your “emotional brain.” This way, you’ll choose a consequence that’s both reasonable and enforceable.
Tip 6. Share Parenting Responsibilities Using the “Tag Team” Approach
When one parent feels overwhelmed or needs a break, have a signal for the other parent to step in (e.g., a subtle wave, a code word, or a wiggling pinky finger). This “tag team” approach helps prevent burnout and ensures consistent responses. Supporting each other in this way also models positive teamwork and problem-solving skills for your child.
Tip 7. Teach the “I” Message Strategy
Help your child express themselves and solve problems using “I” statements:- I feel… (emotion)- When… (describe the problem)- I would like… (desired solution).
For example: “I feel upset when my toys are taken without asking. I would like it if you ask first.” This approach encourages children to constructively express their emotions and needs, reducing the likelihood of acting out.
Tip 8. Focus on What You Can Control
PMT highlights an important concept: while you can’t control your child's behaviour, you can control how you respond to it. Instead of asking yourself, “How do I make my child stop doing this?” try reframing it to, “What can I do differently to manage this situation?” This shift in perspective helps you approach challenging behaviours calmly and more effectively.
Use Forced Choices to Encourage Cooperation
One effective strategy when your child is resisting a request is to offer a “forced choice,” which provides them with a sense of control while still keeping you in charge. For example, if your child is refusing to get dressed, try saying, “You can choose to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt today. Which one would you like?” This technique helps avoid power struggles, reduces defiance, and increases the chance that your child will cooperate because they feel empowered to make a choice.
Respond, Don’t React
If your child still doesn’t follow through with a request, avoid repeating yourself or raising your voice. Instead, calmly give them one reminder, then step back. If they continue to resist, walk away and apply a fair consequence that was previously discussed, such as losing a privilege or postponing a preferred activity. Staying calm and consistent is key to showing your child that actions have predictable outcomes.
All Feelings Are Allowed, But Not All Reactions
Let your child know that it’s okay to feel any emotion—they can feel sad, angry, or frustrated—but it’s not okay to express those feelings in inappropriate ways, like yelling, arguing, or hitting. By talking about how all feelings are okay, but some reactions aren’t, you’re teaching your child that they can take control of how they respond rather than how they feel.
To help them handle overwhelming emotions, offer simple strategies like taking a break, using words to say what’s bothering them, or asking for help. This teaches them healthy ways to cope with their feelings.
Communicate Consequences in Advance
Before challenges arise, be clear about what will happen if your child crosses the boundaries you’ve set. For example, you can say, “If you choose to yell or argue, you’ll need to take a break in your room.” When children know what to expect, it reduces arguments and makes them feel more in control of their choices.
Final Thoughts
Change takes time, so celebrate small successes and be patient with yourself and your child. Effective behaviour management is about building a positive and respectful relationship while teaching healthy boundaries. You’re not alone on this journey—keep up the great work!
If you want to learn more about resources or free coaching on this technique, check out:
Confident Parents: Thriving Kids – Behaviour: The Canadian Mental Health Association in BC offers a free coach-based program to help parents support their children aged 3-12 with behavioural difficulties.
Everyday Parenting: The ABCs of Child Rearing (by Dr. Alan Kazdin): This free course developed by a leader in the field provides a toolkit of behaviour-change techniques that will make your typical day in the home easier as you develop the behaviours you would like to see in your child.
Collaborative Problem-Solving Approach (by Dr. Ross Greene): Rather than focusing on kids' concerning behaviours (and modifying them), CPS helps kids and caregivers solve the problems causing those behaviours.
Beacon Psychology Parenting Resources: This selection of resources is designed to support parents in navigating various challenges and fostering healthy family relationships.
About the author: Dr. Juliana Negreiros is a registered psychologist and the founder of Beacon Psychology Clinic. For more than a decade, she has worked closely with parents to help them navigate challenges and create a supportive environment that fosters healthy development and emotional well-being for their children.